Mailer 15b

Learning the zig zag dance of forgiveness

As always, I hope you are well. I've recently managed to let on old resentment go after a couple of years struggling with it and it's been an interesting process.

First of all, let me say that if a forgiveness lesson had a degree of difficulty that this would be beginner/intermediate level. I've not yet had to do a masterclass such as people who have suffered serious abuse/genocide etc have to learn.

Here is a brief overview. Essentially when my mother was terminally ill with cancer in 2007 I saw this person's behaviour as being totally self-centred and unsupportive and I abruptly cut off contact with her as I simply felt unable to cope with what I saw as her demands. I struggled to forgive her but found myself feeling incandescent with rage at how she had let me down but I constantly struggled to forgive her. Eventually I found my viewpoint changing on the situation and I was able to forgive her and this is what I noticed:

We were both right

I found myself constantly arguing with myself about which of us was "right" in this situation. Eventually I came to the conclusion that we were both right given our viewpoints on the situation. We both could have given a very different version of the same story that was true for both of us.

Forgiving her didn't mean I had to resume the relationship

Honestly? I would prefer not to see this person again and I have forgiven her but I also acknowledge that for me our relationship had become toxic and it's just good sense to avoid stuff that makes us sick. It's just that now since I have forgiven her she is not taking up space in my head.

Forgiveness is a zig zag not a straight line

I always used to be puzzled by those articles that just said "forgive them" when I wanted to shout back. What about when you are really trying and it just seems impossible? You see I have found that forgiveness is more like zig-zagging and peeling off layers than a switch. It's like you have to keep going back and scrape off another bit.

I had to give it up my grudge - and part of me didn't want to

I used to pray about this but I had a rather disturbing insight about the whole process one day...I found that there was a part of me that quite enjoyed holding a grudge, nursing that hard done by bitter piece of me. I found I had to really let that go but the very fact that I was aware of it somehow freed it up. It was only when I had turned it over to God/Source/The Universe several times that I really felt free about it.

The signs were there long before.

When I reflected on the relationship, the reality was that there were signs of her behaviour available to me for a long time beforehand. But for some reason I thought her reactions would change because of the serious nature of the situation I was in. I did not tell myself the truth about it. For that reason, I was as annoyed at myself as I was at her. The reality is that she wasn't really acting any differently than she had before with me but that I wanted to fool myself otherwise. The reality was that for me (and I colluded in this) the relationship had been very one-sided and draining for me.

I now do things differently

I've learned some really valuable lessons from this experience:

I am now very tuned into early warning signs about how a friendship might go. When I notice that someone seems to spend most of our time together talking about themselves I make a point of talking a lot more about my stuff and I simply observe what the outcome is. Their reaction is usually a good barometer to me of whether or not this is a relationship I want to continue.
I listen to my intuition about this person and relationship and will be guided by that.
I learned that forgiveness is not about saying what the other person did was fine and to take up where you left off. It's actually about recognising that everyone did their best in that time and place (given who they were) but being truthful about the reality of the situation is what contributes ultimately to healing.
Forgiveness frees up a lot of bandwidth. I'm actually genuinely surprised by the amount of energy, creativity and freedom forgiveness has given me. I hadn't even realised how much was tied up in it.

Call to Action

Is there someone or something in your life you need to forgive? Ask yourself what it means for you if you DO forgive them...
Consider doing a brain dump i.e. just writing down everything about the situation. It can be interesting to observe how many contradictory things are going around in our head about it.
Consider bringing the situation to a meditation and asking for guidance around it..prepare to be surprised!
Ask a close non-judgemental friend if you can just vent about the situation. There can be something powerful about just speaking your truth out loud about the situation.

Other stuff

My friend Colette Clail has created a fundraising page for The Niall Mellon Township Trust. See below

I have created a fundraising page on mycharity.ie to raise funds for The Niall Mellon Township Trust. It is a very worthwhile cause and I would very much appreciate any support you can give.

Click on the link below to find out more: http://www.mycharity.ie/event/colette_clails_event/

What's in the pipeline??

Learn about social media - how you can leverage your relationship building skills using the Internet.

Well, as you probably know from previous mails I am involved in a group called Social Traffic. If you are interested in learning how to get to grips with social media, you may be interested in a book club 3 of us will be hosting beginning next month...will keep you posted.

Consciousness shifting: Raise your vibration teleclass beginning in September. Free teleclasses in August. Enjoy more space, peace, calm and presence...

Perenna Fleming (www.upgradeyourlifenow.com ) and I are planning to offer a Raise your vibration course starting in late August but we will be hosting two free teleclasses in August so you can learn more...watch this space.

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